Episode 19: How to Have Hard Conversations With Your Team
I used to sugarcoat everything to avoid hurting someone's feelings, and I'm still relearning how to say what I mean.
I'm Sam, and I'm filling in for Heather on this week’s episode with Mallory, Erin, Amanda, and Jess to talk about trust and communication as the foundation of every relationship, from your spouse to your team. We get honest about being transparent and vulnerable as a leader, loving your people enough to let them move on, and why sugarcoating often protects our own comfort more than the other person's.
You'll hear how to build your backbone for uncomfortable conversations, how to stop being the bottleneck when your team brings you problems, and why resentment is gasoline on burnout. We also share Brené Brown's eight seconds of discomfort and a submarine analogy that changed how I take feedback.
This episode is for salon owners, leaders, and anyone who has been avoiding a hard conversation with a team member, a spouse, or a friend, and you'll leave with practical ways to say the thing you've been holding back.
HERE ARE 5 MAIN TAKEAWAYS FROM THIS EPISODE:
Takeaway #1: Show Your Team You’re Human Too
When Jess first became a salon owner, she kept her personal life and her business separate because she didn’t want to put too many walls down. Looking back, that built a wall between her and her team. Her stylists wanted to see her as a person, a wife, a mom, a daughter, and a sister who goes through real-life stuff just like they do. You don’t have to share everything, but bottling up your feelings so you can stay strong for everyone else doesn’t help anyone, and it quietly builds resentment. When your team sees that you struggle too, trust grows, and they feel more open to communicating with you. Nobody has it all together, and acting like you do only keeps people at a distance.
Takeaway #2: Treat Your Team Like Any Other Relationship, Including the Freedom to Leave
Erin read Brené Brown’s Daring Greatly when she started her salon, and one of her core values became “open heart, strong back.” When there’s trust and open communication, you have nothing to guard against, so you can lead with an open heart. She also reminded us that a team is a relationship like any other. In a marriage, you understand that each person has autonomy, and if it didn’t work out, you’d love that person enough to let them go. That same openness applies to your team. People may move on, and that doesn’t automatically mean something went wrong. When a stylist tells you they’re leaving for booth rental, you’re going to have emotions, and the skill is staying present, listening, and saying what you need to say honestly.
Takeaway #3: Avoiding the Hard Conversation Builds Resentment
I used to beat around the bush because I was afraid of hurting someone’s feelings or coming across as rude, so I either said nothing or sugarcoated it. What changed for me was feeling safe enough in a relationship to say the hard thing, and sitting through the awkwardness instead of leaving the room. Amanda has seen the same pattern from the other side. After she closed her business, she reflected on all the conversations she skirted, and she realized that the hives and the burning face come from old wounds. She also saw that protecting someone from your honesty can really be about protecting your own insecurities. Erin said the same about her people-pleasing, which felt altruistic until she saw how self-centered it was. Giving someone the credit to handle what you have to say is how you make them feel safe. In the meantime, resentment builds, and Amanda says it’s like throwing gasoline on burnout. If you feel like you’re heading toward burnout, there’s often a lot of resentment behind it.
Takeaway #4: Build Your Backbone One Conversation at a Time
Jess calls these “backbone conversations,” because you build your backbone layer by layer until tough conversations feel more doable. Her advice is to name the discomfort at the start by saying you feel awkward, that this is hard, and that you want a better relationship, and then asking if the other person is open to talking. She did this herself after reacting with frustration over a mistake at the salon. She went back and apologized, and the other person thanked her. Erin shared Brené Brown’s idea that it’s about eight seconds of discomfort before you sit down to have a courageous conversation, which beats months of anticipation and resentment. Amanda reminded us it’s a skill, just like a new stylist’s first guest, and you get better with reps. The same goes for your team. Mallory used to be the fixer, but now when someone brings her a problem with a teammate, she asks, “Did you talk to that person about it?” She doesn’t want to be the bottleneck for every conflict, because her team deserves to learn to handle things on their own.
Takeaway #5: Feedback Is Neutral, So Stop Making It Mean Something About You
One of the most important lessons I’ve learned is that feedback is neither good nor bad. It’s just an observation. Once I understood that, I could give feedback without feeling nitpicky or naggy, and I could receive it without making it mean something about my character. I read an analogy in Psycho-Cybernetics about a submarine captain who sees something show up on the radar. He doesn’t take it personally, he just adjusts course and keeps going. If he never got that feedback, he could crash. The same applies to leading a team. If you hold back feedback out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings, you’re keeping them from growing. And if you’re on the receiving end, you can take it, adjust, and move on. You lose nothing from an uncomfortable conversation and have everything to gain.
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